Family dinners

It's been a long few days around my house...thus, the lack of posts.  However, I think I am ready for a new week, albeit a short one since we are off on Good Friday.  I have a lot of things in my life that I am proud of but one of the big ones is the way in which I feed my family.  Mealtime and my family's health in general, I guess.  

I had an interesting email and was actually quite flattered by it.  A friend, who has recently become very health conscious, was asking about the way my family eats and how I shop and it got me thinking.  Meals are usually a good time in our house.  We try hard to eat as a family as much as possible regardless of which kids are here or who has friends or girlfriends over visiting and I like it that way.  I enjoy a lot of people around my table sharing their day even though, sometimes, it is difficult cooking for 6 or 8 or more many nights.  I wish more families would make meal time a priority.  Anyway, here was my answer to my her:

~It seems like you've done a great job so far!!! I do a few things every week that make life easier....I always plan five meals on Friday before I do the grocery shopping. Jeff and I usually eat out on Wed. because we don't have any kids home and we order in or take the kids out usually once a week- depending on which night is busiest! But, only once a week because the fat in fast food is addicting!

I always shop the outside of the grocery store....veggies, fruit, dairy and meat. Then, if needed I shop the other aisles. And, this is probably the biggest one- I don't buy pop or junk food. We almost always have dessert (brownies, pie, pudding, cake) but it's usually homemade. I try hard not to buy anything that's really processed. Snacks are yogurt, fruit, cheese, popcorn...that kind of stuff. It's also a rule that no one leaves in the morning without a breakfast that includes protein and fruit! 

I guess the bottom line is I love to cook and that helps tremendously but whether you cook or not, skip the junk, the pop, and make it at home that way you know what you are eating!! And, look in the mirror, lady, because you apparently are doing a great job at the healthy part!!! And, hey, don't forget your crock pot!!! That's my kicker for busy days!  www.foodnetwork.com has recipes for everything!~

So, hopefully, you are enjoying a meal with your family and talking about your day and listening to your spouse and kids!  Families dinners make all the difference.....just ask a teacher!!

Our Wednesdays

I just posted this as my new profile picture on Facebook and  I love it!  I found this on the PBS website advertising "The Buddha"....a documentary airing on April 7th.   I actually put the date and time on my calendar so as not to forget.

I find this photo so calming and I believe that is probably why many Buddhists keep these portraits in sight.  An easy reminder of what life should be.  He looks wise and calm and thoughtful-all of the things I often wish I were in the course of an hour!

Tonight is my free night.  No kids at home from 4:15 until 7:00.  My husband's kids are with his ex and my younger two  have dinner with their Dad while my oldest works.  Jeff and I usually head out for dinner or sometimes we order in but it is definitely a delight to know that in the midst of our crazy, sticky life we have two hours and forty-five minutes to do as we wish.  No homework, phone calls, band meetings or band parents.  And, no sibling arguments, friends stopping by or in-law time.  Just us-the way it was long ago before we had even introduced our children.  I get the same feeling looking at this Buddha portrait as I sometimes do thinking about my Wednesday evenings.  Pure delight!

Oh, and, keep my Mom in your thoughts as she is traveling to Georgia to visit a client.  She has two fast food cards and a Walmart VISA without a pin number to keep her company.  Hopefully, she can make the trip without making a slip!  You certainly can't gamble at McDonald's, Wendy's or Walmart!  

Now, I am going to remember to  "Make today into the most wonderful day of my life."  ~Thich Nhat Hanh

Mom's Book

This tiny book, A Day at a Time, is with my Mom at all times-in her purse, beside her chair, on the table in front of the couch and even with her at breakfast.  I have seen others carry a bible the way she carries this miniature book.  I know she reads it daily because it is falling apart.  It is actually time for a new copy but I believe that the worn, dog chewed copy is now a part of her and a symbol of her recovery process.

She says that she practically has it memorized because she reads from it every morning and night and every Tuesday at GA meetings, Gamblers Anonymous, for those of you new to my blog!  It was even in her purse when we were out shopping last week-end.

She spends time in prayer and time studying and reflecting.  She has always been ultra religious growing up in a Catholic family, in a Catholic school, attended by Catholic children.  I use the term "ultra" I suppose because I am comparing her "religiousness" to mine.  But now, she has to appeal to God with other requests.  Hopefully, she is asking for strength, for perseverance, and for the ability to abstain. 

I don't know what else she prayers for but I do know that her tiny book is part of her recovery process.  Like me, she reads constantly. My desire to read everything in sight probably came from growing up watching her do just that.  If you need something to read, something on which to reflect.....A Day at a Time. 

My Mom

I love this photo of my Mom.  I took it when she first brought home her puppy, Mocha.  This is the dog who ate everything in site!  Carpets, shoes, books, window blinds, underwear, speaker cords.  You name it and he ate it, but she continued to care for him.  Even at the expense of her house, furniture, belongings and, eventually,  her sanity. She finally ran out of things for him to eat and he had to go! 

I have watched my Mom for years put other beings ahead of herself.  Young clients, the elderly, her parents, my brother and I when we were younger, even pets have had the best of her and she gave what was left to herself.  Some people may see that as selfless but I don't.  I strongly believe that we have to take good, solid care of ourselves before we can nurture anyone else.  If my stores of "me-time-moments" run low, I set aside time to read, run, putter in my kitchen, or sit in front of the Food Network for an hour.  It's necessary!

I now realize that this is how she  found herself with an escapism gambling problem.  She devoted herself entirely to the care of my aging grandmother at the expense of herself.  I hope you enjoy my favorite photo of her.  This is how I  see her and how I will always think of her.  She has been most happy in her life when she is caring for another being-outwardly giving of herself.  My hope for her future is that she will stop and give to herself first. 

Impulse control disorder?!?

My mom and I had a lengthy conversation about gambling and impulse control  while we were out shopping yesterday.  Since that talk, I have been doing some research and believe more than ever that the two go hand in hand.  One of my sons, who was diagnosed years ago with Attention Deficit Disorder, struggles daily with controlling his impulsive nature. I was comparing his actions while shopping to my Mom's when she decides to impulsively pull into a casino or restaurant that she knows has some machines in a back room.  She finds it difficult to shop in malls when she is surrounded by options as does my son.  Taking them both shopping in one day was probably not the smartest idea!

However, what came from that shopping trip, was enlightenment.  Is is possible that my Mom is suffering from an impulse control disorder?  It seems highly likely now that I have given it some thought.  I look back through her life and see that she has a history of impulsive choices.  She noted that online shopping is always easier for her.  She can look at one product at a time compared to being overloaded in a store.  It is a definite struggle for her to refrain from buying what she doesn't need when she is surrounded by large numbers of options.  In other words, she usually comes home with a lot of "stuff" that she didn't intend to buy or doesn't need.

What is the answer?  I don't know, yet.  But, in my black and white mind, it seems that most problems have a solution.  My suggestion to her was to call her doctor and discuss it.  Her therapist had brought up the subject of impulsivity but she didn't seem to take it to heart.  Now, I think it is time to research this subject more.  As is usually the case when I am presented with a new challenge, I read.  I just ordered the book in the link and am planning on a trip to the library later today if I can find time between track practice, band rehearsal, a piano lesson, and theater class.  I mentioned the sticky part, didn't I?  Choices and priorities!  The more we discover about our conditions or those conditions of the people we love, the more we realize we don't know nearly enough.  So, again, I research. 

Gratitude

I woke up this morning with a groggy feeling and it took me through the course of the morning and two cups of coffee to figure it out.  Birds.  I could hear the birds when I opened my eyes.  Of course, it is still too cold to have the windows open.  But, there they were outside singing and chirping away.  And, it dawned on me.  I was so grateful for the coming of spring.  It has been a long trying winter with foot after foot of snow, my cooped up kids, our numerous snow days out of school, my Mom's relapse and all of the other stuff that makes my life sticky.  So, spring and with it...gratitude.

Since beginning my study of Buddhism, I have tried to master the art of mindfulness and along with it a sense of daily gratitude for all that is right in my life:  my boys, my family's huge love for each other, my husband, my close friends, my Mom's determination to kick her addiction, even my sense of adventure.  I tend to be a pessimist  but my optimistic side reminds me that I am a work in progress.  

Being mindful of the birds and the sun coming up brought me joy today.  It also gave me the chance to remember that there is always a tomorrow.  Enjoy today but ALWAYS be grateful for another tomorrow.  If today isn't what I want it to be or my Mom has a rough patch and is tempted or my kids are moody and bickering, there is always a tomorrow.  In this case, there is spring.  A new season.  Another chance to be mindful and right with the world.  And another chance to be grateful.

And in the words of Thich Nhat Hanh...."Make today the most wonderful day of your life."

READ, READ, READ

I remember reading this book and thought I should share it with you.  It was  one of the first things that I  read after confronting my Mom and it is one story that I won't soon forget!  It always amazes me how reading about someone else's struggle can be a comfort.  This book puts the reader directly into the mind of an obsessive gambler.  It was also a huge comfort to realize that my Mom was not alone in this struggle.  When confronted with anything new or challenging or difficult, I read.  I research.  If you are looking for a reality check......READ! 

Knowing and Acceptance

As I look back, I realize I had known for a while that my Mom had a problem. It just took a while to realize how serious it truly was.  She had always been really involved with my life and my kids and then....she was NOT.  We spent many phone conversations talking about how much money she was making playing machines instead of what the kids were into and how our family was doing.  We would invite her to the kids' activities and often she would drive the hour to get here and then leave within 30 or 40 minutes.  There were many gambling joints on the road between her house and mine and she passed them all on the way-triggering the urge.  Or, she would call at the last minute and cancel. This became our norm. 

I remember the fall of 2007, that Sunday morning, when she drove the hour to get to our church.  She was to be my oldest son's confirmation sponsor.  How odd that she was going to support someone's religious journey into the church while she had let her own spiritual life crumble?  We had the day planned with the church service, the luncheon afterward in the church hall and then back to the house for cake and presents.  She arrived 15 minutes before the service began and didn't even stay to finish the meal afterward and we were at the table with our two priests!  She got up and left with the excuse that she didn't want to leave my grandmother all day alone. However, I knew otherwise.  She had made plans to be away for the entire day and didn't want to waste a single minute!  I remember calling her house all afternoon and she didn't arrive home until after dark.  Gambling had become her sole focus. That was one of those moments when the light came on.  We watched this behavior all winter.   I knew but wasn't sure how to move forward or whether to even say the words out loud.

My Mom and I had always set aside one day around the time of my birthday to shop and have lunch.  I don't remember when that started but we had done it for many years.  In Feb. of 2008,  we made those same plans.  But, she couldn't even pay for our $20 lunch. I ended up paying and realized at that moment, sitting in Panera Bread, that it was because she was broke!  ALL her money was going into gambling.  The lightbulb grew brighter.  I knew she was in deep but as I paid for my birthday lunch, I realized that she had past some point of no return.  She was not in control.  I think  that was the turning point for me-my birthday in 2008. I was finally ready to see what I hadn't wanted to see for the past year.  My Mom had a serious problem and it had taken over her life.   Acceptance.

Gamblers Anonymous

It occurred to me that anyone needing to reach out for help should be able to easily find it.  Go to the link for Gamblers Anonymous and ask for help!  They have been a huge source of support for my Mom and our family!  Deciding to ask for help is a huge part of the battle!!

http://www.gamblersanonymous.org/

A Check for Gasoline

To most of us filling up our gas tank does not require a huge amount of forethought or planning.  But now that my Mom goes "cashless", it definitely requires some coordination.  She carries no cash with her at any time.  She also does not have a checkbook or ATM card.  This things are temptations to a gambling addict.  She cannot handle any temptations that may lead her back down the gambling road.  As an adult without an addiction, it is sometimes difficult to put myself in her shoes.  I need to stop for toothpaste on the way home from school and I do.  I don't have to call and get a check or have someone do it for me and it is definitely hard to imagine.  However, for her, it makes life easier.  She doesn't constantly have the temptation of a $20 bill in her purse.  Without temptation, her struggle is easier and she can continue to work to maintain abstinence.

Speaking of abstinence, we are at day 10?  I hope.  She has counted days in the past and she says that she has reached 90 days twice in the past two years.  I am looking optimistically towards a day when she can reach 365 days....but for now, we will celebrate 10 days.  It's strange how I am still hopeful, even after 2 complete years, that we will be successful.  And I use the word WE because just like in "High School Musical", we are All in this Together!  I can't begin to express how wonderful my husband has been through the past two years.  He actually shows much more patience than I at times.  Maybe because it is easier for him to stay a bit more detached?  Either way, he has supported me while I support her, listened, wished, and put up with alot. 

Anyway, back to the gasoline check.  I continue to manage her money, her finances, pay her rent and utilitites, and give her a signed check for her gasoline and groceries.  Her money from employment-my time.  Is it fun?  No.  But, is it necessary?  Absolutely.  I used to say I wanted to see her reach the end of this struggle.  I now know that the end isn't a possibility....until death.  Her struggle with putting 20 dollar bills into a machine for the possibility of a pay-off will be lifelong.  My wish now is that I can see her reach a point at which she can manage her struggle.

I know that she often repeats the Serenity Prayer as a source of comfort.  As not a hugely religious person, I am surprised to find myself repeating these words when I am dealing with her addiction.  For I cannot control her actions, her desires, her gambling but I can learn to accept what I cannot change...and, of course, be a support for her while she tries to make the needed changes.  In the long run, it's better to write that gasoline check than to deal with a possible relapse.

Mom's Beginning

I look back and try to remember when it all began.  I don't.  But, I was busy with my own life.....kids, husband, job, students.  She moved back home to live with her mother who really needed care, companionship and someone to share her house.  I suppose that was the beginning. She had her own life a few states away.  She was a teacher, a friend, a beach-goer, a grandmother, a Mom and self-sufficient!  But, her life altered then and there.  Her days became filled with prescriptions, doctors appointments, Jeopardy, 8pm bedtimes and she suddenly had no life of her own.  Her escape became her evenings out of playing machines after my grandmother went to bed.  When it became really lonely, she would spend money she really didn't have to play some more.  That was her time alone.  Her time that was just for her.  I know she felt entitled to that in the beginning.  But, somewhere along the way, that changed.  Her alone time gambling, her get out of the house gambling, became her obsession.  From the looks of her bank accounts when we moved here near us (That's another blog altogether!), her obsession had taken over and what started as an escape, ended as an addiction.  And, here we are today, still trying to help her overcome her "get some time alone" addiction.

The Beginning

And so, I begin sharing My Sticky Life with you.  Sticky is perfect except when it's not.  As you will learn, I play many roles throughout the day.  But, many days, the hardest one is being the daughter of a mother with an addiction.  I would love to hear from those who are dealing with similar issues.  By that, I mean juggling a family, a job, a real life and a struggling parent who has a serious addiction to gambling.  I end my first post by simply saying that life is what we make it so......"Make today into the most wonderful day of your life."  ~Thich Nhat Hanh