A Check for Gasoline

To most of us filling up our gas tank does not require a huge amount of forethought or planning.  But now that my Mom goes "cashless", it definitely requires some coordination.  She carries no cash with her at any time.  She also does not have a checkbook or ATM card.  This things are temptations to a gambling addict.  She cannot handle any temptations that may lead her back down the gambling road.  As an adult without an addiction, it is sometimes difficult to put myself in her shoes.  I need to stop for toothpaste on the way home from school and I do.  I don't have to call and get a check or have someone do it for me and it is definitely hard to imagine.  However, for her, it makes life easier.  She doesn't constantly have the temptation of a $20 bill in her purse.  Without temptation, her struggle is easier and she can continue to work to maintain abstinence.

Speaking of abstinence, we are at day 10?  I hope.  She has counted days in the past and she says that she has reached 90 days twice in the past two years.  I am looking optimistically towards a day when she can reach 365 days....but for now, we will celebrate 10 days.  It's strange how I am still hopeful, even after 2 complete years, that we will be successful.  And I use the word WE because just like in "High School Musical", we are All in this Together!  I can't begin to express how wonderful my husband has been through the past two years.  He actually shows much more patience than I at times.  Maybe because it is easier for him to stay a bit more detached?  Either way, he has supported me while I support her, listened, wished, and put up with alot. 

Anyway, back to the gasoline check.  I continue to manage her money, her finances, pay her rent and utilitites, and give her a signed check for her gasoline and groceries.  Her money from employment-my time.  Is it fun?  No.  But, is it necessary?  Absolutely.  I used to say I wanted to see her reach the end of this struggle.  I now know that the end isn't a possibility....until death.  Her struggle with putting 20 dollar bills into a machine for the possibility of a pay-off will be lifelong.  My wish now is that I can see her reach a point at which she can manage her struggle.

I know that she often repeats the Serenity Prayer as a source of comfort.  As not a hugely religious person, I am surprised to find myself repeating these words when I am dealing with her addiction.  For I cannot control her actions, her desires, her gambling but I can learn to accept what I cannot change...and, of course, be a support for her while she tries to make the needed changes.  In the long run, it's better to write that gasoline check than to deal with a possible relapse.